I was figuring out the math earlier today and based on my sex appeal, good looks, and natural charisma I figure that there are approximately 3.87 billion women in the world who would never consider dating me. Not bad odds really. You see, I’m the type of guy whom parents love, whom guys are never jealous or suspicious of whenever I’m around their girlfriends, and whom women in general consider to be a good friend. However these “good friends” just simply do not find me the least bit attractive in the relationship sort of way. For you see, I am archtypical nice guy of the world.
Yep, I’m the guy who girls confide in, I’m the guy who would go to the ends of the earth to make them feel better, I’m the guy who would never treat a girl like shit and would always be there for them no matter what. While I’ll always have friends who trust me, it does occasionally get annoying. This is especially true considering it is a fact that girls do tend to confide in me about their relationship problems. Sometimes it flat out drives me up the wall when a girl whom I find to be extremely attractive complains that she just went out and got screwed by a ‘player’.
But why hear it from me… the following explains my feelings perfectly… enjoy… Here is a monologue, dedicated to the Nice Guys of the World, from Eric Berlin's "Babes and Brides."
A little background knowledge is required. In the following monologue, a Nice Guy (Alan) is trying to pick up a woman (Diane). She tells him to talk about himself for three minutes and if she likes what he has to say, she'll go home with him. After a few false starts, Alan jumps into what is known as "The Ballad of a Nice Guy."
Alan. (His frustration and anger builds gradually as HE delivers this) I'm a nice guy. I'm a goddamn nice guy. I say that not because I think it's true, but because that's what everybody says. Ask any girl who's known me for more than a week, and that's how they'll describe me. "Alan? He's a nice guy." They say that because, you know, hell, you know nice guys, right? Don't try to hurt people, try to be a gentleman. Treat people right, especially girls. Because that's what we learned girls are attracted to, they want to be treated right. Right? You get a bunch of girls together and get them talking about guys, and they'll dream you up the perfect gentleman. But when it comes to real life, oh man!, that's very different. Because you get those girls together and get them talking about real men, not figments of their imagination, but real people, and what do you get? (Mimicking.) "Ohhh, men are scum! Men are slime! Men are shits!" (You notice how all those words begin with "S"? I think there's something to that.) So, men are all these "S" words, all these and more, but who do the girls date? Who comes on to them at bars and who do they go home with? The slime! The shits! And after they get hurt, and they always do, they call me up to confide in me, because long ago we decided that we were "just going to be friends." (I swear, you girls need to get a whole new vocabulary; you've started so many goddamn clichés it's not funny.) So, these girls call me up and they say, "Alan, all guys are sliiiime!" And then they realize that they're talking to a guy, and they say, "Oh, except you, Alan, you're a nice guy. When you find a girlfriend, she's going to be such a lucky girl. But it can't be me because, well, I'm attracted to guys that are going to shit all over me." So great. So now I have all the friends I need, so why should I be a nice guy anymore? Huh? I think I'll be a shit now. Yeah! I think I'll learn some stupid pick-up lines and use them on girls who are dressed to get laid. I think I'll be proud of how loud I can belch. I think I'll use women like they're Black and Decker screwdrivers! Sure! That's what girls really want to hear! So great. Life begins now, okay? OKAY? Come on, babe, lets go home and FUCK!”
Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that being a “nice guy” is ALL bad… I mean there ARE some positives. Occasionally I do find some nice pleasant young lady who does decide to take pity on me and goes out with me for a week (or two). Then when the time inevitably comes for them to dump me they are always kind enough to give me a nice line in the attempt to spare my feelings cause they always want to continue to be friends. I have a couple of personal favorites; “I don’t want to ruin our friendship”, “I love you, but I’m not IN love with you”, and of course, my personal favorite “I’m a lesbian.” It’s so nice that they cherish my friendship so much that they try to spare my feelings and in all honestly, I respect that… no really… I do… I mean, I’ve never got any harsh lines such as “you asshole, get the hell out of my life forever…”
There is some hope for the likes me… a female friend once told me that when I get older I am going to be the type of guy that women are going to want to marry. So basically, while my young female friends are having their jollies, all I have to do is wait till they get desperate to get married and then be there for them to make them happy. Of course, I could be a jackass and use that time in my life to my advantage and seek vengeance upon the female sex by deciding that I’m really not a nice guy after all and that I really don’t feel like sloppy seconds… but of course, we all know that will never happen… after all, I am a nice guy…
So, there it is.
